8:15 p.m. - 2008-05-15
OH YOU!
Journal entries have been few and far between of late. I just haven�t had that much spare time and once you lose the momentum it�s very difficult to pick it up again. There�s been such a lot going on in our lives since the turn of the year and I find that I tire more easily than I ever used to, I think in part due to the various stresses that have come our way over the past eighteen months or so, they�ve all took their toll on my energy levels. Work has also been consuming. I finally got my upgrade in rank; quite a while back actually though I don�t think I mentioned it, which brought more responsibility and also more things to learn plus a fortnight based in London, something I did not enjoy at all for several reasons. More recently I had another suspect mole removed, this time from behind my left ear, a tiny little thing the size of a pinhead, all the same it knocked me a bit and of course it upset Twinkles no end. He accused me of trying to put frigging years on him; he�d need to move on to stronger skincare products before his time at this rate. He made it sound as if I somehow produced malignant moles on purpose. My consultant was blas� about it. I was doing everything right he said, keeping vigilant would keep me fine and he�d let me know as and when the situation required real concern. Twinkles and I had a sharp clash shortly afterwards when he converted his anxiety and upset into plastic i.e. hitting the shops with his credit card on a comfort-buying spree. Can anyone tell me when Debenhams DOESN�T have a sale on? He bought dresses, skirts, shoes, underwear, jewellery, handbags, purses, more shoes, nightwear, perfume, yet more shoes, hosiery, hair ornaments and a ton of makeup and all accompanied by the ringing phrase: but Tarn, it was a bargain, 70% off. I�m seriously thinking of having a pre-emptive headstone commissioned with �70% off� chiselled on it as an epitaph:
Here lies Tarn Swan 70% off and then immediately under that another little phrase that�s come to haunt me: �OH YOU!�
It all started with Jason, and then Twinks caught the bug. It�s amazing how much meaning can be packed into two little words, usually critical meaning, and usually critical of me. Jason says it if I remind him that he has homework to do or that it�s time he was in bed, or basically anything:
OH YOU! (Meaning you�re such a tyrant)
Twinks says it when I tell him that I don�t care if they�re giving shoes away for a penny a pair, he�s got more than enough and he can just take them back:
OH YOU! (Meaning you�re so tight fisted and totally unappreciative of a queen�s needs)
At which point Jason hopefully says he�ll have them and I say you certainly will not and he says:
OH YOU! (Meaning you�re so mean and I don�t like you)
To cap it all Dominic has taken it on board and trots it out when we�re having a battle of wills over things like biscuits, sweets or ice cream, which I won�t allow him to have unless he eats his dinner first and then only in moderation:
OH YOU! (Meaning bad uncle Tarn, I like uncle/auntie Twinks better than you)
Jason is a long story and one that I really haven�t time or energy to fully relate at this point in time, it�s a story that dates back quite a while having its beginnings when Jason was very briefly, as some might recall, Natalie�s boyfriend who turned out to be underage. To give you the bare bones so to speak, he came back on scene not long after Christmas and proved to be a handful of trouble. He was having some difficulties at home with both his divorced parents finding it hard to cope with a temperamental and emotionally needy teenage transvestite. He mainly resides with Val and Sandra at the moment with Twinks and I having him on a weekend to give them a break, though I seem to spend a lot of time on the phone during the week telling him off for various things (I feel like I�ve been assigned the role of official harridan where both him and Dom is concerned�eat your carrots and behave or I�ll call Tarn and he�ll scold you into submission) It was Twinkles who first took Jason under his wing, he genuinely wanted to help him, remembering only too well what it�s like to be young and not only gay, but also transgendered, but he finds him hard to handle and Jason, given half a chance, takes advantage of him and I won�t put up with that.
Twinks is next door at the moment, he�s stalking Katie, she�s ten days over her due date for the baby and he keeps hoping that she�ll go into labour when he�s around so that he can don, metaphorically, his midwives uniform and muscle in on the birth. Frank isn�t that keen on being present, he says he still hasn�t got over Gabby being born and the whole thing traumatised him. He couldn�t stand seeing his wife in so much pain and anyway she nearly broke his fingers when the attending midwife told him that Katie needed to concentrate on pushing and he should therefore remove the gas and air mask from her hands, apparently she threatened to kill him if he touched HER mask again. Thank God I was born a gay man.
Talking of gas Lulu has just asked me if I�d like a cup of tea, which just about caused me to evacuate my bowels, as I didn�t even know he was in the house. I swear to God that one of these days I WILL strip that boy of the key to this house, he�s like a bloody poltergeist popping up when you least expect it. I suppose I�d better go help him before he gives into temptation and decides to tart the tea up with something unspeakable. It�s a good job I�m fond of him.
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