1:21 p.m. - 2008-01-27
The Common Touch.
Nothing is ever simple and straightforward with Twinkles; he deals in extremes of emotion and thought. Take the question of spectacles; he was most opposed to the idea of his beloved, me, joining the ranks of the wearers of optical face furniture. However, he�s since decided that he likes them, on me anyway, he wouldn�t be seen dead in specs himself, but on me they apparently add an extra edge of sexy authority that he finds a bit of a turn on. The moment I put them on to watch television any hope of actually seeing a programme through to the end is doomed to failure and I all but have to beat him off with a stick, not that I�m complaining or anything, our sex life has certainly spiced up a bit. No doubt the novelty will wear off eventually, but until then I�m more than happy to take advantage and if he wants me to wear my glasses, graduation gown and mortar while tying him, in his capacity as naughty student in need of control and discipline, to the bed, then who am I to say no. I did suggest buying a cane to add old-fashioned teacherish authenticity, but he wasn�t keen on that. It was role-play too far in his book and knowing me I�d frigging use it if I got really vexed with him and he didn�t fancy having his beautiful little bum covered in ugly stripes.
Karen and Paul are coming over for lunch today, and we�ll have Gabby as well, she really enjoys playing with Dominic, she�s going to be a lovely sister to the new baby. Poor Katie isn�t having an easy time of it; she�s got chronic morning sickness only it extends into the afternoon and evening as well. I am so glad that God or nature or whatever saw fit to equip me with gonads instead of ovaries. Women, it seems to me, get the poo end of the reproductive stick. After her hysterectomy my mother was visited by the hospital Chaplain who asked if he could do anything for her, a prayer for solace and healing perhaps. She said yes, next time he prayed he could tell that bugger UP THERE, that when he created woman he had used a really crap and stupid design. Frank is understandably anxious about Katie. He says that sometimes when she�s having a particularly rough day she looks at him like he�s the son of Satan and he feels really guilty because in a way her suffering is his fault. �Tarn man, if I could I�d be sick for her, but I can�t.� Twinks suggested that he wear one of those pregnancy simulation stomachs so that he could get an inkling of what it felt like to be pregnant and the pressure it put on the body, to which he said an emphatic, �give over man.�
Our godson Dominic was three a couple of weeks ago. He had a little birthday party, though he was full of cold on the day and apt to be crabby. He just wanted to be nursed really. No one was keen on cake after he sneezed on it while trying to blow out the candles. Twinks and I bought him a little red and yellow tractor trike that we keep here for when he visits. He loves it along with the little pink pram that Twinks insisted on buying him. He said that boys needed to be allowed to explore their full gender potential and not be forced in one direction only; the tractor was butch, the pram femme and thus allowed him a choice of expression. Twinks and I ended up having a few words over both the butch and femme items; because he let Dom ride one and push the other up and down the hall like a mad thing. I said it was dangerous, quite aside from the damage done to floors and furniture. He just about bowled me over with the pram when I emerged from the kitchen carrying a mug of hot coffee, he could have been scalded and I was cross about it. I�d told Twinkles not to let him run wild. Big boy and little boy were made aware of my disapproval and I banned both toys from being used indoors, which put me in the bad books of both spouse and godson. I didn�t care. We have a perfectly good garden path for him to peddle his trike and push his pram around under supervision. He�s a lovely child and good-natured on the whole though he�s currently in a phase of having tantrums to get his own way (and I�m still talking about Dom here) and one of his manipulative methods is to hold his breath until he literally goes blue in the face. It�s really scary to see and it works, it terrifies Twinkles who usually caves straight in and gives Dom what he wants just so he�ll stop holding his breath. Being made of slightly sterner stuff I use the method that Karen recommended, I flick a few drops of cold water at his face and it shocks him into drawing breath straight away and does him no harm whatsoever. Karen, like me, is hard hearted, according to Twinkles and Paul anyway.
I�m being summoned to do my fair share in the kitchen instead of sitting on my lordly backside in front of the computer. He wants me to whip up some Yorkshire puddings, I make the best Yorkshires even if I do say so myself. He says it�s because I have the common touch and everyone knows that the common touch is the secret of making a good Yorkshire pudding, plebeian food, good, but of low origin. Unlike me he has too much class and the batter recognises this and thus feels intimidated. He�s a cheeky little toad sometimes.
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